A Marriage Counselor Talks About Reconnecting With Your Spouse
Marriage Counseling Can Help You Reconnect
How Do We Drift Apart?
As a couples’ therapist for over twenty years, I have worked with clients at many stages of marriage. Many of my recent clients are older couples who are unhappy with their marriages. Often, they have drifted apart over time and don’t feel connected to one another. They do have a shared history from their years of marriage. Their children are a major part of their lives, and they have friends that they have known for years. They have assets that include homes and investments. In many ways they have achieved the American dream. While they have worked so hard to achieve so much, the marriage began to wither.
The New Marriage
New marriages often include lazy Sunday mornings in bed, Saturday hikes or drives followed by romantic dinners. You could talk for hours or spontaneously decide to go away for the weekend. You were there for each other. Did you write her a poem for her birthday or surprise him with his favorite dessert? Yes, those were the days. Eventually, careers and children consume a lot of your time, and those intimate moments are hard to find. There is so much pressure to be the perfect parent and give your children every opportunity. Your time together dwindles, and, at some point, you become managers of the family unit, in charge of scheduling and transportation and finances. As a couples therapist, I know the stresses this creates for a marriage. What has happened to the special time you shared? Can you recapture that magic now that you have grown apart?
For most of the couples I work with as a marriage counselor, the answer is yes! It requires some work and even more flexibility. Each of you has grown over the years and in some ways, you are not the same person you were 20 years ago. Interests and priorities may have changed. However, many of the characteristics that drew you to your spouse are probably still there. Was he funny? Is she clever? Can those wonderful characteristics be uncovered again? This is an opportunity and a challenge. Can you get to know the newer version of your partner and find fun and companionship with him or her?
Are We Too Different Now?
Clients often tell me they have little in common with their spouse now. As a marriage counselor for over two decades, I know that we can change that. Frequently, one of the spouses no longer enjoys or no longer has the physical ability to do a sport that they enjoyed when they were younger. This is where flexibility is needed. With all the activities available to us, every couple should be able to find many things they enjoy doing together. Ryan and Jenny enjoyed going out dancing when they were younger. Noisy bars were no longer appealing to them. They decided to take ballroom dancing classes together and are having a ball. They laugh as they step on each other’s toes and celebrate when they nail a routine. Many of my clients are trying new hobbies. One couple took Italian lessons in preparation for a trip to Italy. Another couple started taking cooking lessons so they could eat healthier. An adventurous couple took a motorcycle trip through Europe, and another is studying yoga together.
How Do We Rebuild the Love?
In many ways, you can rekindle your love in the same way you fell in love in the first place. Shared experiences and challenges create a sense of connection. These experiences that you share create a world which only the two of you know. Working together to experience new things and to overcome challenges creates a special bond. Image as you do your yoga routines, you encourage each other, you are there for the inevitable flops and you are there for the successes, when your spouse is finally able to achieve the crow pose. You will probably see your spouse in new ways. As a couples’ therapist, I give my clients assignments so they can work together and find areas of interest that can work for them. They are always able to find things that they want to try together.
Can You Do It?
It’s important to understand that not all of your efforts to reconnect need to be huge undertakings. That would be too costly and unrealistic. Many of the ways to reconnect are simple. Read the same book and discuss it together. Play a board game. Get a new puppy. Plant a garden. Volunteer at a shelter. For some people, it may be as simple as holding hands while going for a walk. Sadly, some people haven’t done that in a long time. The goal is to select something that is new or different for you and to undertake it together. Search for things that you can do together. Instead of watching TV at night, try doing something with your partner that is fun or interesting. The goal is to connect with each other and see each other in new and different ways. In marriage counseling I help people see their potential as a couple. During couples therapy we try to reset the marriage in a way that can help it grow.
You Have To Believe
I am often asked if I can “save” a marriage. I can’t save your marriage, but you can with the right guidance. In a longer marriage you have many assets- a shared history, family and investments. You fell in love with each other once a while ago. I believe most of you can do it again. I ask you to be determined and creative and brave. As your marriage counselor I know you may be uncomfortable to try. I know you have tried before and been disappointed. I think you should give it another try. I think both of you should undertake this together and be determined to put your best effort into this. If it doesn’t work for you, you will have the comfort of knowing you tried your best. I will be there to support you as you undertake this journey. I work with couples in Wilton, Ridgefield, New Canaan and Westport and offer online and in person sessions. Call now. Paula is here to help.