Marriage Counseling to Reconnect with Your Spouse

A Marriage Counselor Talks About Reconnecting With Your Spouse

Marriage Counseling Can Help You Reconnect

How Do We Drift Apart?

As a couples’ therapist for over twenty years, I have worked with clients at many stages of marriage. Many of my recent clients are older couples who are unhappy with their marriages. Often, they have drifted apart over time and don’t feel connected to one another. They do have a shared history from their years of marriage. Their children are a major part of their lives, and they have friends that they have known for years. They have assets that include homes and investments. In many ways they have achieved the American dream. While they have worked so hard to achieve so much, the marriage began to wither.

The New Marriage

New marriages often include lazy Sunday mornings in bed, Saturday hikes or drives followed by romantic dinners. You could talk for hours or spontaneously decide to go away for the weekend. You were there for each other. Did you write her a poem for her birthday or surprise him with his favorite dessert? Yes, those were the days. Eventually, careers and children consume a lot of your time, and those intimate moments are hard to find. There is so much pressure to be the perfect parent and give your children every opportunity. Your time together dwindles, and, at some point, you become managers of the family unit, in charge of scheduling and transportation and finances. As a couples therapist, I know the stresses this creates for a marriage. What has happened to the special time you shared? Can you recapture that magic now that you have grown apart?
For most of the couples I work with as a marriage counselor, the answer is yes! It requires some work and even more flexibility. Each of you has grown over the years and in some ways, you are not the same person you were 20 years ago. Interests and priorities may have changed. However, many of the characteristics that drew you to your spouse are probably still there. Was he funny? Is she clever? Can those wonderful characteristics be uncovered again? This is an opportunity and a challenge. Can you get to know the newer version of your partner and find fun and companionship with him or her?

Are We Too Different Now?

Clients often tell me they have little in common with their spouse now. As a marriage counselor for over two decades, I know that we can change that. Frequently, one of the spouses no longer enjoys or no longer has the physical ability to do a sport that they enjoyed when they were younger. This is where flexibility is needed. With all the activities available to us, every couple should be able to find many things they enjoy doing together. Ryan and Jenny enjoyed going out dancing when they were younger. Noisy bars were no longer appealing to them. They decided to take ballroom dancing classes together and are having a ball. They laugh as they step on each other’s toes and celebrate when they nail a routine. Many of my clients are trying new hobbies. One couple took Italian lessons in preparation for a trip to Italy. Another couple started taking cooking lessons so they could eat healthier. An adventurous couple took a motorcycle trip through Europe, and another is studying yoga together.

How Do We Rebuild the Love?

In many ways, you can rekindle your love in the same way you fell in love in the first place. Shared experiences and challenges create a sense of connection. These experiences that you share create a world which only the two of you know. Working together to experience new things and to overcome challenges creates a special bond. Image as you do your yoga routines, you encourage each other, you are there for the inevitable flops and you are there for the successes, when your spouse is finally able to achieve the crow pose. You will probably see your spouse in new ways. As a couples’ therapist, I give my clients assignments so they can work together and find areas of interest that can work for them. They are always able to find things that they want to try together.

Can You Do It?

It’s important to understand that not all of your efforts to reconnect need to be huge undertakings. That would be too costly and unrealistic. Many of the ways to reconnect are simple. Read the same book and discuss it together. Play a board game. Get a new puppy. Plant a garden. Volunteer at a shelter. For some people, it may be as simple as holding hands while going for a walk. Sadly, some people haven’t done that in a long time. The goal is to select something that is new or different for you and to undertake it together. Search for things that you can do together. Instead of watching TV at night, try doing something with your partner that is fun or interesting. The goal is to connect with each other and see each other in new and different ways. In marriage counseling I help people see their potential as a couple. During couples therapy we try to reset the marriage in a way that can help it grow.

You Have To Believe

I am often asked if I can “save” a marriage. I can’t save your marriage, but you can with the right guidance. In a longer marriage you have many assets- a shared history, family and investments. You fell in love with each other once a while ago. I believe most of you can do it again. I ask you to be determined and creative and brave. As your marriage counselor I know you may be uncomfortable to try. I know you have tried before and been disappointed. I think you should give it another try. I think both of you should undertake this together and be determined to put your best effort into this. If it doesn’t work for you, you will have the comfort of knowing you tried your best. I will be there to support you as you undertake this journey. I work with couples in Wilton, Ridgefield, New Canaan and Westport and offer online and in person sessions.  Call now. Paula is here to help.

Can Discernment Counseling Help You and Your Spouse? Help with the Divorce Decision

Should you stay or should you go?  In many cases, clients come to couple’s therapy with that question in mind.  Often, one person wants to continue in the relationship while the other one is ready to move on.  Can couples therapy be effective for these kinds of clients?  Yes, it can. There is a specific type of couple’s therapy that deals with this common situation.   It is called discernment therapy.

Discernment therapy helps clients decide whether to proceed with couple’s therapy or to terminate the relationship.  One of the unique aspects of this kind of therapy is that each partner has his or her own agenda.  One person is trying to repair the relationship while the other partner is leaning toward moving on.  As a therapist, I work with both agendas at the same time.  In my counseling with one person we may discuss what can be done to repair some of the damage to the relationship.  In the discussions with his or her partner, we may discuss what is causing the sense of hopelessness regarding the relationship.  In this kind of therapy, I often spend more time individually with each client than in my typical couples’ cases.   When I have both parties in the room, we are working on communication and understanding, skills that are needed whatever the couple decides to do with the marriage.

One of the major goals of discernment therapy is to see if there is enough energy and commitment to work on the marriage.   Does each person understand the problem and acknowledge their role in the current situation?  A discernment therapist is not working on solving relationship problems.  He or she is helping the couple find out if there is enough motivation and interest in solving these problems.  This therapy is short term, often involving one to five sessions.  The ultimate goal is to answer the question “How are we going to move forward?”  Will we move toward divorce, will we make a commitment to work on the relationship for a set period of time or will we work on the relationship and make a decision about it in the future?    Ultimately, the goal is to have both parties committed to the path they have chosen together.  Couple’s therapy is greatly enhanced when both parties are committed to the process and are giving their full efforts to it.   Even if the couple decisions to end the marriage, the understanding they gain from this therapy should make co-parenting easier.  What they learn in these sessions may help future relationships, as well.

Paula Levy, MA, LMFT, Imago therapist is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and mediator with over 17 years working with individuals, couples and families.  She is a relationship expert and high conflict couple’s therapist.  She is a popular speaker and writer on relationship issues.  For further information, please contact her at paula@paulalevyct.com or 203-803-9387

You And Your Spouse Can Mediate!

One of the biggest misconceptions about mediation is that it is for couples who are “getting along”.  I have been a mediator for over a decade and most of the couples that I work with are not “getting along”.  In almost all divorce cases there is a certain level of anger, conflict and distrust.  Divorce creates additional stresses for a family.  Even couples that could communicate and resolve issues in the past may have difficulties during the divorce process.   My role as a mediator is to respect where the couple is in the divorce process and to support them as they go forward.  Many couples say they can’t discuss significant issues at home because the discussion becomes too heated.  As a mediator it is my role to encourage respectful, honest dialogue.  Here are some of the guidelines that we use in mediation:

Speak for yourself, not for your spouse

Express your goals and needs, even if you think your spouse will not support them

Listen carefully to your spouse’s comments

Think creatively

Focus on the future, not the past

Control your emotions, even if your spouse is being provocative

Offer solutions that address your needs as well as your spouse’s needs

In mediation you will learn how to transition from an intimate communication style to a more reserved communication style.  I tell my clients to talk to your partner how you would talk to a business associate – calmly and clearly.

Couples come to therapy for several reasons, but more than 95 percent of my clients list poor communication as a significant problem in their relationship. Here are five recommendations for improving communication:

1. Find a good time to talk.
Frequently a client will start a conversation with their partner when the partner is tired, anger or just having a bad day. However, beginning a serious conversation at that time is counterproductive because with patience and understanding at a minimum, you are unlikely to get the results that you want. If your partner is already emotional or stressed, adding additional pressure will not create a good outcome, and instead can create a more hostile environment. Starting an important conversation when someone is falling asleep or leaving for work is not recommended either. You want to choose a time when you can both contribute the necessary time and patience needed to discuss and resolve an issue.

2. Stay on one topic at a time.
Couples often use the “clean out the closets” model of communicating, meaning that everything that has been piling up for the past few weeks gets thrown into the conversation. A number of issues come up, emotions run high, but nothing gets settled. The conversation becomes a contest to see who can come up with the most complaints. If your goal is to resolve an issue, focus on one issue at a time. If another issue comes up, put it aside to discuss at a later time.

3. Body language is important.
Do you remember when you were little and your mother had you apologize to your sister for hitting her? You said, “I’m sorry,” but the smirk on your face told her you thought she deserved it. As adults, we still do that. If you tell your partner you are interested in what they are saying, but you are playing with your phone while they are speaking, you are giving them an inconsistent message. When there is a conflict between your words and your body language, people tend to trust the body language. To have a productive discussion try sitting face to face and make eye contact so that the message is “I care about what you have to say.”

4. Summarize what you have heard.
Even when we hear the same words, we interpret them through our own unique filters based on family history, personal experiences, etc. Make sure you understand what your partner is saying by summarizing what you have heard in your own words. Give your partner the opportunity to clarify or elaborate on anything that isn’t clear. This helps keep miscommunication to a minimum.

5. End the conversation on a positive note.
Communication is an attempt to connect and share a little of each other’s world. Thank your partner for engaging in the conversation and sharing his or her thoughts even if the conversation was difficult or heated. While, it can be frustrating at times, as social beings we have a need to connect with the people we love, and good communication is the first step.